


Death By A Thousand Cuts

by jinnie9609



Category: VICTON (Band), X1 (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst and Romance, Breakup, F/M, Heartbreak, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-18
Updated: 2020-02-18
Packaged: 2021-03-12 18:55:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,306
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22788562
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jinnie9609/pseuds/jinnie9609
Summary: "I love you," Seungwoo said, but it didn’t have the same effect it used to. Instead of making me feel butterflies all over, his three words seemed like daggers stabbing straight into my heart."I know," I said, with a bittersweet smile, holding his hand as tightly as I could, for the last time. "And I love you, too. So much, that it hurts.”"I'm sorry." He reached for my hand, giving it a squeeze before pressing a soft kiss on the back of it. His tear-grazed cheeks were slowly turning red as his sobs slowly turned into a cry of deep pain."Don't be. Please don't say that. Don't make me hold on to you when I'm trying to be strong enough to let you go."
Relationships: Han Seungwoo/Reader
Kudos: 11





	Death By A Thousand Cuts

**Author's Note:**

> *story is told in the form of snippets from memories  
*inspired by the following songs:  
Coldplay - Yellow  
Death By A Thousand Cuts - Taylor Swift  
Drive - Oh Wonder  
Happy - Oh Wonder  
Parallel Universe - Clara Benin

_1 New Notification_

_Status Update: Han Seungwoo is now engaged. Congratulate him!_

My already sweaty hands started to shake as I tightened the grip on my laptop mouse. I fought back the tears which were threatening to form at the corner of my eyes as I looked at the screen.

Two years after Seungwoo and I broke up, he's happily engaged with the love of his life, while here I am, still trying to pick up the broken pieces he left.

On the day I let him go, I told Seungwoo that I'll be okay, that I want him to be happy even if it isn't with me. I wasn't lying.

I said it was fine. But I never said it didn't hurt.

Maybe we can say that it was fate which brought the two of us together; but it was also fate which led us to wherever we are at present.

Meeting Seungwoo was not really a part of my plan right after graduating from the university. My goals were already set the day I stepped out of the graduation venue: if I do get a job the soonest that I can, I will work extra hard from Mondays to Thursdays and party as hard as I could on Fridays because I know that it's what I deserve after a stressful week. I set these goals so that by the time I am twenty-five, I'll be at a managerial position already, and one of the most sought after employee every single corporation wished they had.

I guess I was too young and too naive to even think or even consider the kind of stress work brings. Maybe I did underestimate it a little bit, that's why the way it took a toll on me was worse than I expected. Instead of drinking and partying on Friday nights because I think I deserved it, getting drunk became a form of escape from the current reality that I was in at that time. Nothing was going according to plan, and it pained me.

What seemed like an endless routine drained the life out of me; instead of driving the stress never-ending paperworks brought during the week, nursing a really bad hangover on the weekends ain't the cherry on top of my barely standing cupcake. It was hard, but I managed to survive, and so did my wallet and savings account; but at one point, I realized that it was getting too unhealthy. With every glass and shot of tequila and vodka, it was as if I was taking in some kind of poison which takes away five minutes from my already short life. I didn't need to count to figure out that with the kind of lifestyle I lead, I think I lost more than ten thousand minutes of my life already. That's why I decided to quit.

"Today is the last Friday that you will see me drink." I said, with a glass of vodka raised. "Today marks the last day that will lead me to spending my Saturday mornings and afternoons nursing a hangover."

And so I drank the last glass of vodka I promised I would have, together with the last slice of lemon which masked its bitterness and a small lick of salt at the back of my hand to counter the face-warping sourness it brought.

"To quitting!" Cho Seungyoun, a close friend of mine, said, as he lead the continuous rounds of toasts and shots for my supposed quitting. He held a bottle of Jack Daniel's in his hand and urged most of the people from our circle to drink straight from the bottle.

Wanting to escape the terror of the burning sensation on my throat and the gut-wrenching pain that is yet to come due to my acidic stomach, I made my way out of the club and in to the balcony where most of the people who smoke or wanted a breath of air stay.

_That was where I saw him._

Seungwoo was leaning casually on the wall, staring blankly at the sea of people dancing to the beat of the music, drowning themselves in cigarette and alcohol. He was just standing still, with a blank expression on his face while holding a bottle of a local draft beer I really liked.

As if in a trance, my feet led me to him after ordering a bottle of the same draft beer he was holding. Our eyes met; and with a soft smile, I held my bottle of beer close to his, mouthing a small "cheers?", hoping that it would be enough to start a conversation.

He returned my smile and clinked his bottle onto mine. Who knew that a simple yet impulsive promise to quit an unhealthy lifestyle would lead me to the person I thought I will be in love with for the rest of my life?

Our conversations started small. From the way the drunk people in front of us danced, to how my hair was four different shades of brown since I try my best to color them myself (to save on the cost). He wasn't talking to me just to be polite, but it was because he was genuinely enjoying the conversation (according to him, one cold night I brought it up). Seungwoo has this habit of getting too into things whenever he talks— he starts to get all enthusiastic and talkative when it's about a topic that he likes, and weirdly enough, my thoughts and views matched his. It was as if we clicked in an instant.

What we talked about the night we met are now mostly parts of the blur that night has become, but one specific part of it kept on bugging me until it started eating me out alive.

"For a big guy like you," I started, holding my third bottle of beer close to my face as I looked at him with an eyebrow raised and eyes slightly squinted. "It is unexpected to see a cute penguin tattoo on your left bicep."

Seungwoo looked a bit caught off-guard that I saw the small tattoo he tried to cover with the sleeves of his oversized shirt. He shook his head in amusement, his eyes moving from his small penguin tattoo to mine. "I didn't think you'd see that."

"Well mister, I do have sharp eyes." I gave him a proud smile before taking a sip from my bottle of beer. I brought my free hand closer to his bicep, gently poking the penguin tattoo on his milky white skin. "This is cute, you know? Most girls dig cute stuff and will go _awwww, a penguin_ when they see your tattoo."

He let out a soft chuckle, waving his finger at me. "Hey, you promised me a while ago. No judgments, right?"

"I'm trying my best," I said, pursing my lips together into a thin line shortly after to hide the smile that was about to come.

"You should know that this ain't a tool to get girls to come to me you know." He said with a soft chuckle, trying his very best to convince me. I squinted my eyes at him, not fully excused with his alibi_. "I'm serious!"_

"I'm not buying it." I crossed my arms across my chest, looking at him with a playful smile. I was too eager to know what the cute penguin tattoo meant; I didn't know it was something that would kill me on the inside slowly but in the most painful way possible.

"Okay, okay. I'll tell you." He placed his half-empty beer bottle on the small cocktail table beside us, getting ready to tell his story fully with gestures to emphasize on the important parts. "Penguins, besides the fact that they are all cute and squishy just like how they were represented on Happy Feet, are monogamous animals. Most studies say that when a penguin finds his mate, they stay with them until they die."

I looked at him with a slightly amused expression that night. Never in my wildest imagination did I ever think that I'd get a national geographic slash animal planet-ish kind of lecture at 2:30 in the morning, half tipsy yet still functioning. "Woah there, that's some nat-geo plus animal planet kind of thing,"

"Yeah, well I am kind of a geek," He said, rubbing his nape gently with his hand out of shyness.

"No, don't worry. We all have our own things we are all enthusiastic about." I reassured him. I knew how much it hurt for people to not take your interests seriously. "And that ain't a bad thing and a basis of being cool. So okay, continue." For a second there, I felt that it kind of assured him to go on with wherever his story was heading.

"And so I met this girl," He started, his eyes kind of losing the focus which was previously on me. It was as if he was reminiscing something he tried so hard to bury deep in his subconscious. "Which I thought was my penguin-- the only one I'll be with for the rest of my life. But then when life gave her lemons, she chose to make the lemonade by herself, saying that maybe, turning those lemons into a lemonade ain't a two-person job."

Bitterness can be seen and felt with the way he said the last sentence, and even with the metaphor, it kind of got through me. This man, with the sad eyes, whose smile didn't reach his eyes, is in pain. The tipsiness caused by the alcohol was suddenly gone; it was replaced by an overwhelming secondhand feeling of experiencing a heartbreak-- which then on lead to the very kind of pain which came rushing to me like an avalanche; the only difference was that I knew it was going to come. I just didn't know when and how.

"I'm sorry," were the only words that I managed to come up with, for I didn't know what the right kind of reaction to this was. I placed my hand on top of his, giving it a gentle pat, making him feel that I'm here for him, even for the night.

"But hey," his expression suddenly turned into a cheerful one, or maybe he was just trying his very best to be cheerful in order to kill the awkward silence brought by his story. "Not all penguins are set for only one soulmate. Maybe I'm that penguin, who has two or three soulmates in his lifetime. So don't worry about me getting all dramatic and melancholic over my first penguin."

"Maybe you are." I said with a small smile, looking at him in the eyes. "Do you know what comes after meeting the one?"

"What?"

"The next one," I said with a grin, trying to support the very lame joke that came out of my mind. I was so close to walking out and covering my face with the beer bottle due to cringing and embarrassment, but the way he laughed wholeheartedly made me feel at ease. At least I was able to make him laugh, even for a few seconds.

And so after the laughing fit that he turned into because of my lame joke, one question was the bait that I willingly took and became the free pass for this heartbreak.

_"Do you want to get out of here?"_

Others say that people you meet at bars and clubs aren't in for the long run; it was just for a moment of pleasure to satisfy whatever it is that you needed at the moment. However, Seungwoo was different. 

When we got out of the club, he brought me to this nearby restaurant that serves a really good noodle soup which he says is the best cure for hangover. We talked, and talked, until the light brought by the streetlamps and the stars was replaced by the brightness and warmth the sunlight brought. The effect of the alcohol was long gone, and both Seungwoo and I were sober enough to take a walk at the nearby park.

The way Seungwoo talked and viewed things amazed me; he seems more mature unlike others his age, and with the little number of hours I spent with him waiting for the dawn to break, it felt like he already had a tight hold on my heart.

By the time it was almost seven in the morning, Seungwoo noticed how my eyelids were getting heavier due to lack of sleep.

With a soft chuckle, he gave my cheek a gentle poke. "It has been a really long night, and it looks like you need to get yourself some sleep."

"Are you feeling a little sleepy?" Instead of answering his question, I asked him back. To be honest, I didn't want to go home just yet. I didn't want this moment to end, but my eyes and my body were betraying me.

With a soft chuckle, Seungwoo stood up and dusted his pants before saying. "Come on, let's get you home." 

Like the gentleman that he is, Seungwoo hailed a cab for me first. He opened the door for me and told the driver, _"please bring her home safe and sound"_ before closing it, smiling at me as he waved goodbye. Seungwoo's smile lingered on my mind until I got to bed that morning, and for the first time in months, I spent my Saturday sleeping with a light heart instead of finding ways on how to cure a hangover.

I thought it would be the first and last time for Seungwoo and I to meet; but fate has its funny ways to fuck you up.

Weeks later, Seungwoo and I met again by chance— at the most inconvenient way possible.

"Apologies, but all card machines are offline as of the moment." The lady on the cashier said with an apologetic face as soon as she saw me take out my card from my wallet.

I didn't know what to do. I bought a ton of stuff for my new home two blocks away: toiletries, beddings and a few snacks I can munch on while trying to beat the laziness which has been stopping me from organizing my stuff.

"What-- how is that possible?" I asked, slightly panicking because of the queue slowly building up behind me. Desperately, I looked at my wallet to check if the cash I had with me was enough, but it can only cover the big bag of tissue paper I ought to buy. 

"We're very sorry, ma'am. It just started acting up an hour ago." The lady at the counter apologized once again.

"Alright, I'll just take the tissue paper for now." With a sigh, I took out the few bills left inside my wallet, counting the coins as well to make up for the payment. I turned my gaze at the other shopping bags filled with my stuff at the side. "Can you keep those for me for an hour? I'll just go to the nearest bank to withd--"

"Don't worry, I got you." Seungwoo said from behind me, walking towards the counter as he took out his wallet from his back pocket. 

"Seungwoo?" I couldn't hide the mix of glee and surprise in my voice. I blinked three times to check if it really was him because never in my wildest dreams did I think about meeting him again, like this.

He gave me a smile— the kind of smile which melted my heart the night I met him— as he took out a thick wad of cash from his wallet. "How much is it?"

"Woah there, who the hell brings that much cash with them on a daily basis?" My gaze trailed his hand and the money in his hands which he handed to the cashier.

"I was just at the bank." He shrugged, letting out a soft chuckle. He took the receipt and handed it to me before placing the shopping bags inside the shopping cart he found at the side. "Looks like you bought a lot of stuff."

"Hey, don't carry those!” I held his hand, trying to stop him from stuffing the cart with all of my bags. “I can do them by myself, I don't want to burden you more than I already have or anything." I didn't know what to do at first; because all that was on my mind was how I could think of ways to run to the nearest bank as fast as I can to repay him in an instant because I bought a lot.

"Nah, let me." He said with a smile, beating me to the last bag and placing it gently on the cart. Seungwoo then looked at me, dusting his hands on his denim pants first before offering it for a handshake. "Hi, I didn't think I'd see you here."

I was slightly dumbfounded by his actions, but I ended up chuckling as and going with it anyway. "Hello, you." I gave his hand a firm squeeze while shaking it. "I just moved to a new place, if the bunch of stuff I bought didn't give it away."

Seungwoo started pushing the cart away from the counter, walking slowly to match my pace. "Really? What a coincidence. I live in this area as well."

"Look at what we have here," I said with an amused smile, crossing my arms against my chest. "It really is a weird coincidence. Who knew I'd meet you here and have you pay for all of my stuff as a housewarming gift?"

"Hey," He said with a playful grin. "You owe me, okay?"

"Really? I thought you bought them all for me," I said with a grin, slightly walking in a faster pace to get ahead of Seungwoo, in an attempt to tease him.

"Yeah, you owe me big time." He added more force as he pushed the cart to catch up with me. "The total amount of all these," he gestured at the bags inside the cart. "And dinner."

I stopped in my tracks to look at him, my lips slowly turning into a smile when our eyes met. "You got it."

Living close to each other had it perks— and by perks, I meant meeting up with Seungwoo more often than I intended. That one dinner we had led to a series of late night snacking at the convenience store near my condominium building, hanging out at the rooftop of his apartment, and meeting up at the nearby park and playground, just because we were both bored and had nothing to do when the night comes.

The kind of relationship that I had with Seungwoo turned from being _random strangers who met at the club_ into _two people who spend time with each other almost every night_ kind. When I needed opinions and comments on outfits I'd try on, he was just one text away and would tell me if the clothes suited me or not. Whenever I was too stressed with work, he'd ask me to meet at the park only to see him holding a small tub of cookies and cream ice cream that we can share, and small cup of my favorite avocado-flavored ice cream which he bought only for my satisfaction since he didn't like the flavor. 

I truly enjoyed Seungwoo's company, that's why before I knew it, I fell in love with the amazing person that he is. I didn't know that falling in love with him meant like I was slowly setting myself to flames.

  
"Are you really sure you're ready?" He looked at me with eyes filled with concern, tapping his fingers on the tattoo brochure I was browsing when he didn't get any answer from me.

One of the most memorable moments I had with him was the night I got my first and only tattoo. I once mentioned that I have always thought of getting a tattoo, but I didn't know a good tattoo place, and I didn't have the guts to get them done yet.

"You can have your tattoo done at the place where I got mine," Seungwoo nonchalantly suggested one night we were hanging out at the rooftop of his condominium building. His eyes fixed at the night sky while holding a can of beer with his left hand, his right hand placed inside his hoodie's pocket. 

"Will it hurt?" I asked, looking at him. While he was admiring the beauty of the stars gracing the night sky, I was too busy looking at him, and thinking about the feelings that I have for him.

At first, I was scared to admit to myself that I was slowly falling for him. The days I spent with him were enough for me to know that he was not over his ex-girlfriend yet; that even if it had been two years since he last heard from her, Seungwoo's still longing for his penguin. If I fall, if I truly let myself fall, will he be there to catch me?

"At first, it will hurt. It's natural." He took out his hand from his pocket to reach for the bag of chips beside me. "But then, if you get too scared at the idea of pain, how will you be able to find out if it's worth it or not?"

Seungwoo then turned to look at me, and out of panic, I diverted my gaze in haste to the can of beer I was holding. I can feel the blood rush up to my face, turning my pale cheeks into light shade of crimson. Thank heavens for the dim light at the rooftop, Seungwoo was oblivious to my already blushing face.

"I mean, how will you know if it the end, you'll like it enough to get another one if you're stopping yourself from trying?" He said with a smile; the kind of smile which makes my heart race. With those beautiful eyes looking at me, how can I say no? “We can’t keep on holding ourselves back, right? Life’s too short to let fear take over. At times, it’s better to take the risk than live with regret and the what-if’s.”

"I'm scared." I said, my voice slightly sounding like a whisper; but due to the silence around us, it was loud enough for him to hear. When I said I was scared, I thought I was referring to the idea of getting a tattoo; turns out I was talking about how I felt whenever I think about diving in too deep.

"Don't worry," His reassuring smile was the first thing I saw when I turned to look at him. "I'll be there with you."

  
And there he was, sitting on the small stool right in front of where I was seated, ready to be the kind of emotional support that I needed during the whole process of getting my very first tattoo done. 

"Here," he held his hand out as he looked at me. "If it gets too painful, just squeeze my hand."

At first I was hesitant to take his hand, afraid that I might squeeze it too hard. My tolerance for pain is very low, and for someone on that level, getting a tattoo done is a big leap already. I swallowed the lump in my throat before I took his hand in mine.

"Your hands are cold," he tightened his hold on my hand, placing his other hand over mine. "Are you nervous?"

"My hands are naturally cold," I said, trying to sound as strong as I can, but to no avail. "But me being nervous kind of adds up to it."

Seungwoo let out a soft chuckle, patting my hand gently. "I'm here, don't worry."

Before I was able to speak, the sound of the tattoo pen filled the small room. 

"Are you ready?" Hangyul, the tattoo artist, said as he walked closer. He's Seungwoo's close friend, and that alone was enough of a reason for me to entrust my tattoo virginity to him. 

"Yup," I said before pursing my lips into a thin line. 

"Don't worry," Hangyul took his phone and played Coldplay's song _'Yellow'_ in the background, in order to make me feel less nervous, he said. "Think of it as an ant bite: short and sweet."

"Well, maybe a big ant will bite you b--" Seungwoo wasn't able to finish his sentence because I squeezed his hand hard enough to let him know that he's not helping with my nerves at all.

"You chose this picture of a camellia?" Hangyul held the tattoo brochure in front of me, pointing at the small line-art of the camellia flower at the corner of the page. I nodded. "Did you know that besides the usual symbolism of passion, perfection, and desire, camellias symbolize the feeling of longing to be with someone you love?"

"Yeah," I kept my answer short; trying to stop myself from diverting my gaze to the man in front of me. 

"Looks like someone's a fool for love," Hangyul said with a slight chuckle as he picked up the tattoo pen. "Alright, whenever you're ready."

Soon enough, the small room was filled with the mix of Coldplay's song and the sound of the tattoo pen pricking and digging into my skin. 

_Look at the stars_  
_Look how they shine for you_  
_And everything you do_  
_Yeah they were all yellow_

  
That very same night, I decided to take the leap. 

When Seungwoo walked me home, I kissed him, without a single clue if he felt the same, even in the slightest way, as me.

  
_Your skin_  
_Oh yeah your skin and bones_  
_Turn into something beautiful_  
_And you know_  
_For you I'd bleed myself dry_  
_For you I'd bleed myself dry_

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you think 😊


End file.
